Focused

I have trouble focusing unless the situation absolutely demands it. I have always been like this and never thought about it being a problem for me until recently.

I crammed the night (or two hours) before a test. I wrote papers the night before they were due. Sometimes before my book club I stay up way too late the night before to finish the book. I clean the house about two hours before company is scheduled to arrive. I cook dinner on the fly every. single. night.

When I leave the house to go somewhere, anywhere, I regularly come back in at least once and sometimes twice to retrieve something that I need for the journey to be successful. And more often than not I arrive to my destination realizing that I have left something crucial behind.

Often I walk very intently into another room to get something or do something only to arrive there and can’t for the life of me remember why I came without walking back to where I started and try to jog my memory. And, if I’m lucky, the journey to the other room or back won’t be interrupted by something along the way: unopened mail, dirty dishes, an incoming email message.

Cleaning the house has ALWAYS been more than just cleaning the house. In previous houses that allowed it, it often entailed rearranging an entire room. Dusting of shelves frequently entails sitting down for 45 minutes to look through photo albums.

Laundry often gets washed and dried and left in the hamper for over a week. Or left in the washer until the mildew smell sets in and it has to be re-washed. Rarely does it get washed, dried, folded and put away all in one laundry doing.

More often than not, I feel paralyzed. There are things to do and I don’t even know where to begin. During those times I fill the time by eating. And I feel the need to eat comfort food. Something that started out as a batter or a dough and slowly baked itself into a blissfully comforting nosh.

There are the rare days, maybe once a month, where it all clicks. Where I’m under the gun and I take care of business. Things get done right the first time and I feel good about myself! But these days, as I said, are rare.

So I was reading Marge not too long ago and she wrote a post that I feel like I could have written. Here is the part of that post that spoke the loudest to me:

I discovered that there are at least six different types of adult ADD and would you believe it, one of them described me to a T? Right down to the compulsive list-making and frenetic over-committed schedule with social anxieties and control issues. It was an interesting revelation and I dabbled in some of the mental exercises that I had read about. They were a little helpful but really I didn’t think there was that much of a problem. Sure my mind is always spinning and I feel overwhelmed most of the time, but I have built up a lifetime of coping mechanisms that were keeping me somewhat afloat . And besides, medicine is for people that are sick.

So I began contemplating when my brain allowed the thoughts to penetrate what she said and what she finally did about it.  She gave the meds a try, talked to her Dr. about it and got her very own scrip! And she was feeling good.

So today I am trying it myself. I won’t divulge my source, but I’m pretty sure the dose is too high. I had a lot to get done today and so I made a list and guess what, that list is nearly all done with the thing that is not done something that requires other people to accomplish.

One thing I know for sure is that I will contact my Dr. on Monday to get an appointment and maybe get a handle on my life. Shoot, maybe I will add it to my list and call right now.